mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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