Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
