dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
