I met the friendliest cop last night
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
