Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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