i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
