we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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