tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Someone signed my nipple.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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