I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
