is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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