I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
