I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
