i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
