you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
