I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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