life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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