the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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