There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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