Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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