Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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