If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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