i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
