Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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