i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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