Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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