I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
