please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
