Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
