she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
