You're my little dorito
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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