he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
