I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
