I think I won the penis lottery.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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