barbara walters just said penis...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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