Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
