i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
