I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
