mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
