I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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