textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
it's like heaven, but drunker
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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