I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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