I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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