best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
