Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
