my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
