I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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