So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Randomize
