dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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