Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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