no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
