Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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